How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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