Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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