Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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