How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
