He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza