This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???