exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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