Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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