don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
