the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
everyone is single if you try hard enough
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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