Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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