cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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