Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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