dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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