youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
everyone is single if you try hard enough
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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