What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
We are all done wearing pants today
Randomize
