totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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