After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
