Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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