I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
