I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
