Are we in a gay sports bar?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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