so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I could fuck to npr.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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