Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
