Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
