Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
