it's too hot outside to masturbate.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
