ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
