you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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