you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
