If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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