have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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