just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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