it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We had to coat check the pizza.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
