You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
