what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
