not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
