FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
