Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So much Jack, so little girl.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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