you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
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I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
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I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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