my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
