dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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