Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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