I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
