I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
