I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
