I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
