My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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