i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The Olympian is in my bed
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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