Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
