I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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