how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
