I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
