he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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