Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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