I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize
