P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize