when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
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