i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
