Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
