I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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