i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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