i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
