he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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